from now on my penis is your penis
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
