I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I fill condoms, not promises.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
