does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
