Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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