Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
im having a threesome with these popsicles
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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