I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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