he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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