Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
