My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Randomize
