I wish I could teleport
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
