we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
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