He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Randomize
