i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
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