Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
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stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
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I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.