I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
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please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
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i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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