I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
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