the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
