Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
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