So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
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