i love accidental penises.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Randomize
