You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.