She's JV to your varsity
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
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Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
This baby is an asshole
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You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?