I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Randomize
