I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Randomize
