I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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