Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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