It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Randomize
