Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
