I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
