My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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