Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
he fucked my hip out of place.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
