You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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