who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
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