there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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