I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
i guess it's bad bediquette to quote the kool aid man
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he said oh yeah and i responded with OHH YEAHHHHH!
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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