meet me or not, i'm out of control
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Watching her eat just hurts me
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
