In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
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