Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
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there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
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She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
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