Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
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