A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
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