I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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