seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Randomize
