For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
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I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
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Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
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