i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
