It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
