I was born with a shot glass in my hand
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
