Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
