I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
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