I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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