Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
