Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I smell like Dick and happiness
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
