Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
