In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
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I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
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I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
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