No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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