Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Just pee around me
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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