I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
