Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
