If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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