i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.
gotta love spring break
gotta love slutty girls from the south
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
