you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
