it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
